Foolish. That’s the only word I can think of to truly describe me these last few weeks. I have been so foolish: foolish to think that I don’t have to start back at square one; foolish to think that this should ever be an easy road; foolish to feel that I can inspire others without first inspiring myself. I have started and stopped writing several blog posts since my last. And this is the truth about many things I do in my life. Start, then stop. Start, then, when I have to put some extra work into it, stop. Give up. Throw in the towel.
So now it’s time for me to get real. I can’t just jump back into a fit life like I’ve experienced in the past. My life is different. My life has changed in so many wonderful ways…but I don’t handle change well. I never have. With my husband being a tax accountant, you can ask him what the month of February is like every year when he disappears from our lives for awhile. And you can ask him what life is like living with me at the end of April when he pokes his head out of his office and resurfaces into the world as we know it. I can’t believe he’s still with me! (Joking, of course.) I’m not fun when it comes to change. I talk a big game. I know the ins and outs when it comes to doing a lot of things. But when it comes time to own up to them, I’m like a scared little kid that hides under the covers from the loud crack of thunder. I.can’t.own.it.
My life feels upside down right now. I’ve even gained weight – and that’s after going in for my yearly physical. Ugh. And, unfortunately, I haven’t cared. I’ve felt the pain; I’ve felt the depression that comes along with it. It hasn’t clicked yet.
People say “it’s ok! You just had a baby, give yourself a chance to transition!” While those things are true, it’s not ok. I need to get in the mindset of this is life or death. Right now, I may not see any immediate dangers to what I’m doing to my body (eating an entire bowl of popcorn, dripping with melted butter, every night. Making Mug Chocolate Cake and throwing in half a bag of Reese’s peanut butter chips every night. Man, this just got real. Did I really just admit that???), but I am slowly clogging arteries, increasing my risk of heart disease by adding fat around my mid-section, and beating myself down with fatigue every second of the day. So I need to start back at square one. I need to look myself in the eye and say, “Michelle, you ARE worth it, and it’s ok that you’re starting small. You need to start small.”
My focus has been all over the place. The most obvious place I can see that is in my home. I’ve never been neat. For some reason, that gene totally skipped me. My mother passed it to my sister without any problem, but me? No way. I strongly believe that health reaches all facets of our lives. If my mind is cluttered and chaotic, my house will reflect that. So will my body. So will my moods. And vice versa on all of that. So, in order to start living a healthier life, I’m starting in my home. Clean up, clean out, rid my visual surroundings of the clutter. But I must start small. So the one thing I’m focusing on for the week is making the beds. Hey, I said small, didn’t I? Making the beds every morning seems to really pull the room together, even with the other clutter in the corners of the room. I know this seems like a silly thing to be writing on a blog that’s entitled This Fit Mama, but it’s important. I’ve stuffed my home full of junk, just like I’ve stuffed my body full of junk. Time to rid both. Starting with the beds.